Part 1:
The above thought came from my son. I share with him a lot of my
struggles and this came to him. It seemed like a sign from God.
My feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and actions currently are not aligned.
They are scattered. What I feel doesn't seem logical. Many of my
thoughts are counter to my beliefs. And, I try to keep my actions
sane and within bounds even while the other three attributes flutter
around in the wind.
I often start my prayers with an admission to God how I feel and my
current struggles even though He already knows all about them. In this
instance I had a long list of things I was confused about: how I
should treat, act, or react to various individuals, what I should be
doing or not doing, what my feelings are trying to tell me, what
various events, what I call "signs from God", were trying to indicate.
I was resentful of this confusion. I should not feel this way I
chastised.
Something reminded me that many biblical scriptures tell me to "be in
the present", "trust God", and "follow His will". Since all of these
are somewhat vague, feeling "confused" might be quite understandable.
The feeling is uncomfortable to me because I'm not use to it; it is
foreign to me. Thus, I might be exactly where I am suppose to be.
This is when my son replied with "You must learn to not walk before
you can learn to not crawl".
Part 2:
As happens often, I woke up last night around 3 and didn't ever really
go back to sleep. The following is what occurred to me during that
time.
Part of my recent issues are that I feel like from 2008 to 2018 where
lost and this feeling of a decade of my life "wasted" is part of why I
feel envy and jealousy of others. In my value system, from 2000 to
2007 were productive. I assumed that it is because of all of the
major trips I took during that time: Costa Rica in 2003, Tanzania in
2004, Bangladesh in 2005, and Antarctica in 2007. 2006 was when I did
a lot of work writing some code trying to start a company. (All are
earthly bound, egocentric accomplishments.)
But, it could also be that I feel those years were productive because
I started my spiritual journey in 2000, I was in AA and many other 12
step programs, went to two counselors, and read a ton of self help,
psychological, and spiritual type books. I look at that period of
time as a very high growth and productive period of my life.
But from 2008 - 2018 I had no such memories. But as I lay there,
slowly memories started to trickle back in.
The first is the 2008 economic down turn which cut my pay drastically.
Until around 2014, I was living paycheck to paycheck more or less.
The 2006 business adventure had left me $1M in debt. The 2008 down
turn caused the banks to reevaluate credit standings so I could not
refinance the debt. I would spend most of each weekend paying bills
and carefully threading my way out of my financial quagmire.
During the 2007 trip, we were stuck on a boat for days at a time. I
learned a new computer language used mostly to create web sites. In
the 2008-2018 period, I used that to create four tools which helped me
and my teammates in the work we did. They were each very key aids in
our work. I also worked further on another tool whose origins go all
the way back to 1985 but during the 2008-2018 period it reached new
heights that I still can't really believe.
Thus, my earthly accomplishments are not as empty as I first
perceived. And there is more.
I was rather depressed during this time but I
still saw one of my counselors as a friend. We would meet once a week
to talk and share. It still felt like counseling to me but to him I
believe he felt it was friendship.
During this depression, I tried to force my way out of it by taking a
road trip in 2016 but I drove into a dust storm on the first day and
got congested. I spent most of the time in hotel rooms. I can
describe horrific scenes during this illness and managed to struggle
back home and recuperate for a week before returning to work. But I
still wasn't healthy.
I was only about 75% healthy at best. I felt weak and sickly until the
July 4th weekend in 2018 where I finally ended up in the hospital for
a week to ten days with Sepsis. Again... I can describe absolutely
horrific scenes from this time.
The other memory I have during this time is with my sleeping habits. This habit
started in 2000 but I came to recognize it and value it most during
the 2008-2018 time period.
Much like now, I would consistently wake up around 3 a.m. but unlike
recently I would enjoy the time. Meditation is trying to control the
mind to not think or to focus on your breathing or a mantra. What I
did instead was the exact opposite. I would allow my mind to go play.
It would scamper around childlike from thought to thought, memory to
memory, some good, some bad.
Meanwhile, "I" would be watching how each of these mental activities
affected my feelings. If something didn't match up, I was able to
call halt to the play. Back up the "tape", and reply it asking "what
is causing me to feel this way?". My counselor strongly discouraged
asking "why". "Why" is too vague. "What" (as precisely as you can
possibly determine) "is causing this feeling?" Doing this activity
allowed me to discover many somewhat hidden issues I still had within
myself.
All this to say that by the time the alarm clock went off in the
morning, I had determined that from 2008-2018 I was still
growing spiritually even though I didn't recognize it at first.
Much of spiritual growth is about humility and becoming
humble. I view depression as being part of that process. Depression
is giving up false self images for more accurate real images. They
still may not be 100% accurate. Indeed, I doubt we ever achieve such.
But they are more accurate, more honest, more sincere.
I also view the anxiety I have had over the past six years in the same
way. For me, the anxiety has been far harder than the depression but I
feel confident that I have been growing the whole time. Admitting in
a far more honest way how dependent I am upon God for even the tiniest
things in life.
God bless you all